


Educate Yourself

by Icka M Chif (mischif)



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Future Fic, Gen, Get Together, Gift Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-24
Updated: 2012-04-24
Packaged: 2017-11-04 06:34:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/390852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mischif/pseuds/Icka%20M%20Chif
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Buford!" Baljeet chased after the larger teen, shaking a fist in the air. "Damn You! GET BACK HERE AND BULLY ME!!!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Educate Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Gift fic to CarpetCrawlerDC, for squeeing with me over both Phineas and Ferb as well as Detective Conan/Magic Kaito. Thanks also goes to WinterJameson for the beta. 
> 
> Partially inspired by [Fab Tabular's fabulous Phineas and Ferb art](http://fab-tabular.deviantart.com/gallery/25217479), especially [Rock and a Hard Place part 4](http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2010/229/6/d/A_Rock_and_a_Hard_Place_pt__4_by_fab_tabular.jpg).

"Alright." Buford shifted Baljeet, setting him down on his feet in front of Buford. "Down ya go."

"Thank you." Baljeet informed him primly. It was not quite fair. It did not matter how old they got, or tall Baljeet grew, Buford was always bigger than him, carrying Baljeet around everywhere like some sort of favourite pet, even now in High School. There were days when it seemed like the only time his feet touched the ground was when Buford dropped him off at home. 

Baljeet had decided after the one time he'd had a fever and been confused that he was not going anywhere while sitting that he had probably gotten entirely too accustomed to this mode of travel, but he was not how to sure bring it up to Buford without causing offense. At least since his last growth spurt he was too big for Buford to carry under one arm, leaving him usually sitting on Buford's sturdy broad shoulders. 

And he kind of liked being able to look down at the top of everyone's heads. He had a hard time sometimes remembering what people's faces looked like, having memorised the tops of their heads. Not that he would ever tell anyone that, upon pain of his pencils snapping in his hands when he attempted to do math. 

He stumbled slightly, gaining his balance on his own two feet again, falling backwards into Buford. "Sorry." He apologised, catching himself on Buford's familiar large bulk. He paused, noticing something pressing into his back. Something that wasn't a leg. Or a the sharp edges of belt buckle. 

What... 

"Easy there." Buford said, huge hands carefully steadying Baljeet upright. "Didn't mean to set you down so hard." 

"It is alright." Baljeet assured him, mouth moving on automatic to accept the apology as he tried to figure out why Buford was carrying a weapon on him when Buford himself was a weapon. A giant huge wall of meat, with fists like sledgehammers. Buford never needed anything other than himself... 

Wait. 

Oh. 

He glanced up at Buford's face, mouth open for a witty remark when another fact flittered through his brain. 

Buford was blushing. It was not obvious, just a faint bit of pink across the cheeks and a bit of his nose, but it was more than Baljeet had ever seen. And he was pointedly _not_ looking at Baljeet. As in, 'gaze flickering everywhere but Baljeet's direction'. 

Which again, was distinctly un-Bufordlike. 

The idea of assuring Buford it was alright, they were that age when pretty much everyone was wearing baggy pants because of what could happen due to a stiff breeze flickered through his mind. Baljeet himself could get 'a stiffy' at a the turn of a well placed differential. But by the time he could find the words to turn it into a joke, the moment had passed, like moments invariably did. 

"Well... I'll... Catch you later." Buford said, reaching out a hand to pat Baljeet on the shoulder like he usually did, only this time he didn't quite make contact. Instead, Buford's huge hand just seemed to hover in mid-air for a moment, then Buford turned and left. 

Baljeet stared after the large bully, feeling confused about Buford's strange behaviour. 

And then he realised that this meant he had to _walk_ home. By himself. On his own two feet. 

"You big jerk." He mumbled, turning his head homeward, but his heart wasn't in it.

* * *

He was half-afraid the next morning that he might have ruined their usual patterns, but Buford picked him up for school just like he usually did, throwing Baljeet over one shoulder as he walked to school. 

Baljeet had rarely been so happy to be picked up and carted off by someone. 

Except that once they got to school, Buford carefully set Baljeet down so there was no accidental touching or bushing of body parts, grunted something about something that may or may not have had to do about eating a bug and wandered off. Baljeet watched him go in confusion. 

He was picked up for a brief time at lunch, and once again for going home, but none of the usual in between classes. It was most perplexing. 

And annoying. 

What was going on with his bully? He was acting all.... un-bullyish.

* * *

"What is going on with you?" Baljeet demanded when he saw Buford at the next break. "You... you are not acting like yourself!"

"n-Nothing." Buford growled, shifting his weight slightly, and glancing away. All classic text book Buford signs of lying. "Look, I gotta go... do something." He said quickly, holding up a hand in a weak wave and wandering off. "See you later."

"Buford!" Baljeet chased after him, shaking a fist in the air. "Damn You! GET BACK HERE AND BULLY ME!!!" 

For all of Buford's size and bulk, he was surprisingly fast when he wanted to be. Such as fleeing an irate nerd. 

Baljeet eventually gave up, watching his best friend and bully run off. 

It was strange, he never thought he'd miss the day that he was not tormented and teased by the large bully. He missed spending time with Buford, even if he complained bitterly about the lack of studying. He was even missing being picked up and manhandled like a large sack of potatoes. 

It was most perplexing.

* * *

One of the school's minor bullies noticed the lack of protection from the Alpha Bully and decided to give it a try, demanding Baljeet's lunch money or being shoved into a locker. 

Baljeet just glared at the bully. "I do not think so." He snarled fiercely. "I, sir, have been bullied by the best. And _you_ are not even close. Good day to you."

Head high up in the air, Baljeet walked off. 

Really, the nerve of some people.

* * *

"I noticed Buford's not carrying you around as much." Ginger stopped him to ask between classes. "Did this mean that you guys broke up?"

"I..." Baljeet stuttered. "What?"

"Cause if you did, I'm totally available to hang out on Friday night." Ginger cheerfully added. 

Baljeet stared at her and the cluster of Fireside Girls with a weird twisting feeling in his gut. "WE ARE NOT BROKEN UP!!" He exclaimed, his voice much louder than usual in his nervous panic. 

Ginger's hopeful look died as Mille and Katie put her arms on her shoulder. "Oh. Well..." Ginger gave him a small smile. "It was worth a shot. Later, Baljeet."

Baljeet watched in confusion as the Fireside Girls drifted away. "If it makes you feel any better." Adyson confided, lingering behind the rest of the girls for a moment. "I always thought you and Buford made a cute couple."

"What?" Baljeet stammered as the hall emptied, people heading into class. "I... I...."

Finally the words he was looking for came to mind. "WE ARE NOT BROKEN UP!!!" He shouted, arms flailing as his voice echoing down the halls. "BECAUSE WE WERE NEVER EVEN _DATING_!!!"

Unfortunately for him, the bell rang over the last part of his shout, rendering him late for class for the first time since he started High School, much to his despair and woe.

* * *

In annoyance and desperation, he settled on the only thing that made sense. 

Math. 

People were complex, illogical things, but there had to be a mathematical equation that could explain even them. It took him many long hours of effort, but finally he thought he got it. 

But it was nothing if he couldn't prove his math. So he took it to one of the smartest people he knew to double check it. 

Ferb studied the equations for many long moments before finally giving Baljeet an apologetic look. "I do not believe there is an equation to map human emotions." He said with a small shrug. 

"What?" Phineas said, leaning over his taller brother's shoulder to peer at the paper. "Seriously?" 

Ferb silently passed the calculations to his brother, who quickly skimmed over them. Baljeet did not mind, even if he had merely intended to show Ferb. The brothers shared everything. And the two of them were a good creative combination, Phineas was the theoretical one, Ferb was the practical one. If it was logical, Ferb would be able to tell him so. If it was theoretically possible, Phineas would be able to tell him so. 

"What do you think, Phineas?" Baljeet finally hesitantly asked as the silence stretched, a slight frown forming on Phineas' triangular face. 

"I think Ferb's right." Phineas said slowly. "I mean, you've covered a lot of variables in this, but people don't tend to remain static, they're always changing, growing. You may be able to calculate a moment in time, but it's not going to stay that way for long." 

"I was afraid you were going to say that." Baljeet sighed, taking the paper back. 

"On the other hand, if you could translate that over into a computer algorithm, you'd probably make a fortune from those match making sites." Phineas concluded with a grin. 

"Thank you, but pass." Baljeet gave his friend a small smile. He was not so much interested in the practical applications of his equations, merely the working of said equations. The art was all. 

Phineas shrugged, good nature showing through. "Does this have to do with you and Buford breaking up?" He asked curiously. 

The papers crumpled in Baljeet's fist. "WHY does EVERYONE think WE ARE TOGETHER?!" He shouted, frustration ripping out of him. 

Ferb and Phineas exchanged blank looks. "You mean you're not?" Phineas questioned for both of them. 

Baljeet dug his fingers into his hair, pulling on them. "No. We are NOT." He snapped. 

"... Oh." Phineas said awkwardly, sharing another look with his brother. Ferb shrugged. 

"No. No no no." Baljeet held a hand up. "Explain this to me. Please. Because I am at my wits end." He said, gritting his teeth together. It was starting to irritate him more than Buford's strange behaviour. 

"Well..." Phineas said, scratching his chin. "There's the fact that the two of you are practically inseparable. Like, physically."

"I am a Nerd! He is a Bully! He is bullying me by carrying me around!" Baljeet waved a hand. "He also steals my underpants and forces me to eat lunch instead of working on math!" 

He had twice the amount of underpants that any teenage boy could possibly ever use, because of Buford constantly stealing his. Although now that they were older and underwear was more expensive, Buford did tend to return them, freshly laundered, a few days later. If they hadn't been used as a flag for several days and rendered unwearable by the weather.

Buford would also steal his lunch money and go buy lunch for both of them, shoving Baljeet's papers away until he finished eating. 

"Aaaand that's part of it right there." Phineas said, an awkward look on his face. "Does he steal anyone else's underwear?"

"No." Baljeet didn't even have to think about it. "... But he has always done that." Ever since they were little kids. He was used to it. At least the wedgies had stopped around Middle School, about the time he got too big to run up the flag pole without breaking the ropes. And Buford didn't mind stealing the extra pair Baljeet carried on him instead of the pair he was wearing after Baljeet complained about chafing in sensitive areas. 

"Right." Phineas nodded. "And you never thought it was strange?"

"... No?" He was a nerd, Buford was a bully, it was the natural order of things. 

"Right." Phineas rubbed his forehead, giving a beseeching look at his brother. Ferb looked back, waving a hand around in a circle. "Okay." Phineas said slowly. "How would you feel if Buford did that to someone else?"

"He would not **dare**!" Red hot rage shot through him like liquid mercury. "I would rip him apart from limb to limb and feed his liver to the eagles!" 

"And _that's_ what I'm talking about right there." Phineas smiled, making a 'bang' motion with one hand, like his finger was a gun. "Just like Buford won't let anyone else bully you. You would not _believe_ what he's done to guys who he thinks may have tried to bully you behind his back."

Ferb shuttered theatrically, like the mere mention gave him nightmares. 

"... Really?" Baljeet glanced between them. He was not aware of this. 

"Yeah. That guy who tried to get your lunch money the other day?" Phineas looked kind of queasy. "Better off not going there. Let's just say it wasn't pretty and leave it at that." Ferb nodded rapidly in agreement.

"He does like me!" Baljeet brightened up. And here he was starting to wonder if he had done something wrong to piss off his bully. 

"And you were wondering why everyone thought we were dating." Phineas smiled, crossing his arms over his chest with a knowing expression. 

"I... but..." Baljeet glanced between them. "It is not like that!" 

The siblings exchanged a look. "It's not?" 

"I had not even considered it!" Baljeet shook his head, then paused. ".... Well, much." He admitted with a shrug. A few idle speculations here or there, but nothing really serious. 

It wasn't as if he was worried about Buford actually hurting him. Minor discomfort here or there that was expected and fun to complain about to let Buford know that he was doing a good job. But Buford always stopped if Baljeet put his foot down, and he never went home with injuries from the bully manhandling him. Buford was very solicitous about never actually hurting Baljeet. 

There had even been a few times when he'd gotten a paper cut and Buford had flailed about until he'd a first aid kit and put a band-aid on it. Baljeet was under Buford's protection, and that was that.

"Well, okay. What about this, what gets your crank going? ... If you know what I mean." Phineas said, somehow both forthright and awkward at the same time. 

Baljeet didn't have to think about it. "Theoretical Quadratic Equations." 

Phineas blinked a few times. "... Oh.. kay..." He drawled uncertainly. "Well, we knew you did a lot of math, so..."

Ferb opened his mouth and Phineas turned to glare at his brother. "Like you have any room to talk, Bro. I know you have copies of 'Throbbing Engines Monthly' shoved under your mattress." 

Ferb shut his mouth and turned away, looking up at the sky with an innocent expression. 

Somehow, that made Baljeet feel a little bit better and more confident in himself. "But if what you are asking is if Buford turns my crank, there is a distinct possibility." He admitted. "I do know that his absence definitely does not 'turn my crank'." 

Perhaps that was what was going on with Buford. His strange behaviour had started after Baljeet had discovered him having a stiffy. Perhaps it was not the erection that was the problem, but because it was a reaction to Baljeet instead of a stiff breeze?

Well, that was just stupid. 

Although, in retrospect, this did put an interesting spin on his bullying. If Baljeet had been a girl, it was the equivalent of dipping pigtails in ink because Buford liked him. 

No wonder everyone had thought they were dating. They had been flirting with each other for _years_.

"And you don't have a problem with that?" Phineas asked hesitantly. 

"Oh, please." Baljeet waved it off. "You've met Uncle Sabu, who owns the rubber band factory. He and his partner have been happy together for decades. And that stupid British Colonial rule forbidding homosexuality in India got overturned _years_ ago." 

Phineas and Ferb stared at him for a second, looking surprised at his blunt answer. 

"Well, then. There you go." Phineas broke into a huge grin, spreading his hands wide. "But if it'll make you feel better, we could always burst into song." He offered, picking up a guitar from somewhere and holding it. He paused with a thoughtful look. "Except it might draw a bit of a crowd, and considering the subject manner, I don't know if you want to broadcast it or not. Some people are weirdly touchy, as we found out after the whole 'Ostrich Incident'."

This did not come as a surprise to Baljeet. He remembered the Ostrich Incident. Not entirely favourably. Baljeet thought it over for a moment. 

"While it might answer several questions about the Bassist of Love Handel, I think I will pass." He finally concluded, images of lots of feathers and sequins and rainbows floating through his mind. While he usually felt better after a musical number, with his accursed luck, that would be the moment Buford walked by and got the wrong idea. "Thank you though. I think I know what I must do now."

"Anytime, buddy." Phineas assured him as Ferb gave him a thumbs up. "Anytime."

* * *

Since math had failed him, Baljeet went to his next favourite thing to do, research. 

There was an amazing amount of information on the internet, and his family had an extensively library. A lot of people thought it was information about boring stuff, but it all depended on what you thought was boring. 

There was nothing dull about his Aunt's historical erotica collection except for maybe some of the prose. 

He spent the night pouring through books before he settled on one, bookmarking various chapters with lots of illustrations. Buford was more intelligent than most people gave him credit for, but he did prefer not to read if he didn't have to.

Buford was like an onion. Usually stinky, but with many layers. And due to Baljeet's privileged position as Buford's nerd, Baljeet knew many of Buford's secrets. 

Such as the fact that for the most part, Buford was intensely private, almost to the point of being shy. He just showed it in a different way than Baljeet did. As an inapproachable wall instead of trying to run away.

Which meant that if Baljeet wanted to talk to him, he had to do it in private. 

He chose his time carefully, using his knowledge of the school and Buford to corner him before classes started. There were some picnic tables at the back of the school they both liked, Buford napping or playing video games while Baljeet worked on his calculations. Arriving early, he found Buford sitting at their usual spot, looking up at the sky with a morose look on his face. 

Buford didn't look quite right, he looked tired, like he hadn't been sleeping or feeling well lately. Probably about as well as Baljeet had been. Theirs was truly a symbiotic relationship, what effected one, effected the other. 

Gathering his nervousness and his indignation together like a shield, he stormed up to his bully. Buford saw him coming and started to rise out of his seat to run again. 

"Oh, no you do not!" Baljeet snapped, pointed a finger at him. "You are **not** running away again, Buford! Not from me! Sit DOWN."

Buford nervously glanced around, as if hoping for a distraction, a giant yeti or robot crashing through their school, then reluctantly sat down. "Hey, 'Jeet." He mumbled as Baljeet stood across the table from him. "I guess yer wonderin'-"

"No, I get it." Baljeet slammed the book down. "I understand completely. However, I insist that if this relationship is going to continue to move forward that you manhandle me properly! I have bookmarked and highlighted pertinent chapters and positions I think are interesting. EDUCATE YOURSELF!"

Buford look down at the book, then up at Baljeet, his face turning red. For a brief moment, Baljeet hesitated, wondering if he had misinterpreted the avaliable data, then Buford cleared his throat. "... Can we go slow?" He shyly requested. 

Baljeet stared at him, hyperventilating partly because he was nervous, and partly to catch his breath after his rant. 

"... I was kinda thinkin' of starting off with holding hands." Buford ventured, tapping his fingers together nervously. "And then maybe working our way up to kissing-?" 

... Because Buford was a Romantic. And old-fashioned, dyed in the wool, hearts and flowers kind of romantic. Who was also a bully, and therefore had a hard time expressing this. 

"That is also acceptable." Baljeet agreed, finding his face heat up in a blush. He'd been prepared for more of a confrontation or a fight and the sudden change of pace threw him slightly. And while he wouldn't mind exploring some of the stuff in the books he'd found with Buford, he wasn't sure he was ready to rush head long into it either. Moving at their own pace and taking their time sounded good. 

"Really?" Buford's face lit up. 

"Yeah." Baljeet admitted. They'd been flirting for this long, a while longer wasn't a big deal. 

Buford hesitated, then held a hand out towards Baljeet, like he was half expecting Baljeet to take off running at the slightest movement. Baljeet stared at Buford's large calloused hand for a moment, then reached out and placed his hand on Buford's. Buford's palm was warm and slightly sticky from sweat, but so was Baljeet's. He swallowed nervously as Buford slowly wrapped his fingers around Baljeet's hand, completely obscuring it. 

"Wow." Buford let out a soft breath as the moment sunk in. They were holding hands. Somehow it made Baljeet feel light and giddy. He let out a little nervous chuckle, glancing at Buford, who had a silly, almost sappy smile on his face. "So. Um. We're dating now, right?" Buford said, just to clarify.

"I believe so." Baljeet walked around the edge of the table to sit down next to Buford. "If it is acceptable to you."

"Oh yeah." Buford nodded quickly. "Very acceptable." 

"Okay." Baljeet nodded.

They sat there in silence for a moment, both awkward and comfortable at the same time. 

"So... Does this mean I still get to carry you around?" Buford asked. "I know it's not normally what dating couples do, but I kind of missed it the past few days. You're not as good as an ox or something big like that to carry, but you're a good size."

"Do not mention it to anyone else." Baljeet glanced around, leaning towards Buford to share his secret. "But I missed it as well." He confessed. 

"Okay. Great." Buford nodded. "... So, like right now?" 

"I would not protest it." Baljeet smiled. Buford grinned back, letting go of Baljeet's hand to wrap his hands around Baljeet's waist to pick him up, and set him on his broad shoulder. 

"Ahh." Buford sighed in contentment, his shoulders relaxing under Baljeet. He reached up and patted Baljeet's leg, as if assuring himself that Baljeet was back in his usual spot. "Much better." 

"Yes." Baljeet grinned as he rested a hand on Buford's head for balance, feeling his cheeks already start to ache at how widely he was smiling. It was good to be back where he belonged. "Definitely." 

-fin-


End file.
